If My Children are Bullied....What Can I Do? by Jon Chaney

I recently watched the documentary "Bully" and it had a profound impact on me. I can see why the film caused an uproar, but I completely agree that it should have been shown to kids in schools. I have found as I have aged when things get "real," people are easily offended, but these people have apparently not been affected by bullying and/or are in denial that it even happens. While watching this film, I came to the realization this may be something I will encounter with my kids and I had to ask myself, "What am I going to do?"

When I was in the seventh and eighth grade, bullying was something I dealt with immediately and it is something that has always stuck with me. When we first started football, in the fall of seventh grade, hazing was commonplace. The hazing on my team consisted of the eighth graders giving the seventh graders "wedgies" (look on urbandictionary.com if you don't know what it is) either while we were changing into our equipment or changing out of it. For most kids, it was just a one time "right of passage", but for others like myself, it happened repeatedly. In my case, the hazing turned into a fierce form of bullying I had to face on a daily basis and it took a deep emotional toll on me. It also turned me into a bully myself. After putting up with it for months, I made a target of kids I thought I could bully, once I did, my bullying of these kids became ruthless and relentless. It was the way I dealt with what I was feeling inside and it was wrong. I knew it was, but I didn't posses the tools to handle it in any other way.

As we all know from going through it, the early teen years are an awkward time to begin with, but when daily torment is piled on top of it, the situation can become hopeless for bullied children. In my case, like I stated earlier, it turned me into a bully as well.  Before too long, going to school for me became a spark of constant anxiety and behavioral problems both at school and at home . Looking back on it, I know it hurt my parents deeply to see me in such anguish, but they did not know I was also delivering the anguish to other kids as a coping mechanism. If they did, I would have found myself in some serious trouble with them.

Fortunately I survived it, but it wasn't until I received some valuable insight from my dad, that being a victim of bullying stop. It probably wasn't the most responsible advice, but my dad plainly instructed me to fight with the next kid who teased me so I did. Also, simply by being a participant in a fist fight at school, I came to the realization that I should not be picking on other kids I had targeted; I needed to stick up for them. Shortly thereafter, I did stop and took pride in my decision to stick up for others rather than continuing to torment them.

Now looking back on my personal experience, I find myself wondering what am I going to do if my kids encounter what I did and behave like I did? One thing I do know is if I do catch my kids bullying others, they will wish I didn't. All I can say is they better get used to cutting grass and shoveling because they are going to be doing a lot of it if they decide to become bullies. Besides delivering an actual punishment, my next step will be to force my children to face who they have been harassing, apologize to them and try to be their friends. I think it will give me a golden opportunity to teach Madison and Gabriel about sticking up for kids who cannot stick up for themselves by becoming friends with and defending them.

I am of the opinion it will be easier for me to stop my kids from becoming bullies than it will be for me to teach them how to both handle and overcome being a victim of bullying. I know a part of me will want to give the same advice to my kids that my father gave me. Understandably, I don't want to give my kids the green light to use violence as a way of demonstrating their anguish whenever they so choose, but they should know in severe cases, they will have my support if they do. Before any of these types of lessons, the first thing I will have to do as a parent will be to take the first steps to stop their tormentors without things becoming violent. I have made a promise to myself that I will always allow for an open dialogue with my kids and I want them to be open with me. If they come to me about being bullied, I will first teach them the diplomatic steps to stopping it. I will immediately begin talking to teachers, administrators, and the other children's parents to help stop the issue if it becomes out of hand. If these all fail to stop the bullying, I will not allow my children to run away, I will teach them how to throw a punch and defend themselves and will never scold them if they use it as a last resort to stop being harassed. I believe the people in this world who constantly turn the other cheek just end up with another bruised cheek. I want to teach my kids this like my father taught me because it got me through many difficult times at school.

I know what I am saying here will probably sound inappropriate to many of you reading this, but I believe in many cases of bullying, violence (in the form of a fist fight only) is at times the only way for a victim to stop being a victim. I believe this because of this bit of advice my father gave me years ago. He told me that a major part of life is being tough when we face adversity. God knows I have had to be tough because I have encountered my fair share of  adversity, but if I never demonstrate to my children the fortitude to be tough, am I truly preparing them for life? I believe I won't be. In fact, I feel they will never be capable of standing up for themselves or what they believe in if I don't. Diplomacy is ALWAYS the first and best option, but when it fails, kids need to know it is okay to "fight fire with fire." I will never look down on my children, or anyone else's, for using their fists to stand up for themselves as a last resort. Part of being a member of a free society, is to prevent those who try to limit or take freedoms away at any cost. Sometimes, words will not accomplish it. So to answer my question, "What can I do...?" I can raise my kids to not be bullies, to stick up for themselves and/or others who can't, and ensure them it is okay to dot someone in the eye as a last resort if diplomacy fails. Until they reach adulthood, and know how to emotionally deal with these issues, I have the responsibility to teach them the tools they will need to defend themselves.